This week it was my turn to give the lesson during home church. I like how the curriculum is laid out. Themes are identified from the assigned reading and you can choose to focus on one of the topics or anything else that would be beneficial for you or your family. This week I really struggled because one of the suggested topics was Matthew 18: 21-35. That is the passage where Peter asks Jesus how many times we should forgive others and then asks "till seven times?" which was a big number in his mind. Jesus responds "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."
Though I do not disagree, I hate this verse. Always have. I hate the way I was taught about forgiveness growing up and the way we continue to talk about it now. The Church tells you often to forgive, but doesn't tell you how. People need real life instructions not some ambiguous, vague suggestions of which I find there is an abundance.
To further complicate things, when forgiveness is taught, the focus is on the person that has been wronged and that the wronged person has the responsibility to forgive. If they do not, their eternal salvation is held hostage by God for their inability to move quickly through trauma. There is another scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 that reads, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." Frequently in the Christian world, these barbed verses are thrown at the victim by the perpetrator adding further distress because now it feels like the perpetrator and God are co-conspirators. To someone in crisis this is a horrifying thought and a daunting task when they are desperate to find peace, healing, compassion, and understanding.
I have had an amazing life and I love everything about it. That said, there have been a few events that have caused me to be in situations where I have had to decide how to forgive. And I'm not talking about times when someone has found my secret candy stash. I'm talking about events that leave you feeling like the pieces of your life are laying like shattered glass at your feet and you know you will never be the same person again.
These were my thoughts as I prepared my lesson for my children and somewhere during the week I decided I would teach them the forgiveness lesson I needed at their age instead of the one I got. We read the scripture passage and talked about forgiveness vs establishing healthy boundaries. We talked about levels of situations that could cause you to have to forgive someone. For example: D pushing J down the slide and breaking his arm vs someone causing intentional emotional, mental, or physical harm. Then we counted out pony beads to see seven and seventy times seven. And you know what? I think I needed this lesson more then they did. Here is what I learned.
1) It took one second to count out seven pony beads. It took a really long time to count out 490 pony beads. Lesson for me: Forgiveness takes a long time. Be patient with yourself knowing that eventually it will come and let that knowledge be enough.
2) We kept messing up and having to start over. Lesson for me: Forgiveness can be messy. One minute it feels attainable, the next it doesn't. Accept that and try again.
3) There was a process to the counting. We decided we would count by tens then group them by hundreds and finally put everything together. Lesson for me: Forgiveness is a process. Identify small steps I am willing to do to work toward forgiveness and build on that.
4) Each child had a different way to count out the beads. Some were fast, some were slow, some arranged them by color, some grouped them in various number configurations, some didn't know how to count but kept trying. Lesson for me:There is no one way to forgive and each situation in life requires a different approach. Something that works for one person may not work for another.
5) We worked together as a family to count out the beads and each person brought something individual and valuable to the task. Lesson for me: Forgiveness is not a solitary event. Reaching out and relying on others for their knowledge and expertise will help me process my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Steve and the kids thought it was a good lesson, but for me it was a healing balm to my soul. I am very grateful for home church.
(Disclaimer: I know the teachings of the Church and I know why the Church teaches forgiveness. I know there are blanket statements in this post. I also know there are often intentional and unintentional nonverbal messages that are sent and received when speaking about the Church and forgiveness. That is what this post is addressing.)
Though I do not disagree, I hate this verse. Always have. I hate the way I was taught about forgiveness growing up and the way we continue to talk about it now. The Church tells you often to forgive, but doesn't tell you how. People need real life instructions not some ambiguous, vague suggestions of which I find there is an abundance.
To further complicate things, when forgiveness is taught, the focus is on the person that has been wronged and that the wronged person has the responsibility to forgive. If they do not, their eternal salvation is held hostage by God for their inability to move quickly through trauma. There is another scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 that reads, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." Frequently in the Christian world, these barbed verses are thrown at the victim by the perpetrator adding further distress because now it feels like the perpetrator and God are co-conspirators. To someone in crisis this is a horrifying thought and a daunting task when they are desperate to find peace, healing, compassion, and understanding.
I have had an amazing life and I love everything about it. That said, there have been a few events that have caused me to be in situations where I have had to decide how to forgive. And I'm not talking about times when someone has found my secret candy stash. I'm talking about events that leave you feeling like the pieces of your life are laying like shattered glass at your feet and you know you will never be the same person again.
These were my thoughts as I prepared my lesson for my children and somewhere during the week I decided I would teach them the forgiveness lesson I needed at their age instead of the one I got. We read the scripture passage and talked about forgiveness vs establishing healthy boundaries. We talked about levels of situations that could cause you to have to forgive someone. For example: D pushing J down the slide and breaking his arm vs someone causing intentional emotional, mental, or physical harm. Then we counted out pony beads to see seven and seventy times seven. And you know what? I think I needed this lesson more then they did. Here is what I learned.
1) It took one second to count out seven pony beads. It took a really long time to count out 490 pony beads. Lesson for me: Forgiveness takes a long time. Be patient with yourself knowing that eventually it will come and let that knowledge be enough.
2) We kept messing up and having to start over. Lesson for me: Forgiveness can be messy. One minute it feels attainable, the next it doesn't. Accept that and try again.
3) There was a process to the counting. We decided we would count by tens then group them by hundreds and finally put everything together. Lesson for me: Forgiveness is a process. Identify small steps I am willing to do to work toward forgiveness and build on that.
4) Each child had a different way to count out the beads. Some were fast, some were slow, some arranged them by color, some grouped them in various number configurations, some didn't know how to count but kept trying. Lesson for me:There is no one way to forgive and each situation in life requires a different approach. Something that works for one person may not work for another.
5) We worked together as a family to count out the beads and each person brought something individual and valuable to the task. Lesson for me: Forgiveness is not a solitary event. Reaching out and relying on others for their knowledge and expertise will help me process my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Steve and the kids thought it was a good lesson, but for me it was a healing balm to my soul. I am very grateful for home church.
(Disclaimer: I know the teachings of the Church and I know why the Church teaches forgiveness. I know there are blanket statements in this post. I also know there are often intentional and unintentional nonverbal messages that are sent and received when speaking about the Church and forgiveness. That is what this post is addressing.)
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